After deciding the free counselor at my college was a doofus, I decided to take a bunch of Buzzfeed quizzes to figure my life out because OBVIOUSLY that's a way better use of time than "gratefulness journals" and "selflessness".
What instrument would you play in your fantasy band? Lead Guitar
"Congratulations, you’re practically the coolest a person can be, other than, like, an astronaut or something."
Which 90's Alternative Band Are You? Belle and Sebastian.
Buzzfeed! I love you! You can wash away the pain!
Where should you actually live? London
Which fandom should you belong to? The Whedonverse
The only Joss Whedon things I have seen are The Avengers and Much Ado About Nothing which I don't think apply. Is this good?
Which Austen heroine are you? Elizabeth Bennet
What kind of wedding should you have? Rustic Barn Wedding
Wait. I kind of don't like that.
Which Bowie are you? Ziggy Stardust
Hm. (Is this good?)
What European City should you actually live in? Monaco
Who should you party with tonight after the oscars? Meryl Streep
Okay, yes. We're back on track.
Which Gilmore Girls guy is your soulmate? Christopher
Which famous person should you get drunk with? Kate Moss
This sounds tiring
What kind of tattoo should you get? Meaningful Typographic (on forearm or ankle)
This is sickeningly true. I hate myself.
Which Spice Girl are you? Scary Spice
Why am I sobbing?
What Should Your College Major Actually Be? Environmental Science
"You care about future generations and know that it’s our responsibility to leave the world better than we found it. You’re well loved because you’re passionate and caring. Instead of whining about your problems, you solve them."
I am so nice.
Which Strong Female Character Are You? Xena: Warrior Princess
"You have a super shady past, but you’ve managed to overcome your past demons and have strategically bitch-slapped your way to redemption."
Which Jane Austen Hero Is Your Soulmate? Mr. Edmund Bertram
Which Car Should You Actually Drive? A Lamborghini Aventador
"This is the best result on the quiz. Do you know who drives Lamborghinis? EVERY SUCCESSFUL PERSON EVER, THAT’S WHO. You’re a sleek individual who is adept at getting out of the stickiest situations. You’ve always got your eye on the prize, and hopefully that’s a Lambo. You know, because you should actually be driving it."
Lies. You're a liar. You're failing me, Buzzfeed. I thought you knew me. I thought you loved me.
Which “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory” Character Are You? Willy Wonka!
"Eccentric would be a euphemism for you."
What’s Your Patronus? A Stag
"In other words, you are The Chosen One."
Please no please no.
What Secondary Harry Potter Character are you? Nymphadora Tonks
No no no no.
What Bagel Are You? An Everything Bagel!
"You can handle whatever the world throws at you with style and grace."
This is what I am doing right now.
Which ’00s Indie Band Are You? Arcade Fire
I... I only really know that "Wake Up" song. I'm so sorry.
Which Contemporary Artist Are You? Marina Abramovic
(I don't know anything about this person I hate myself)
Which Classic “Star Wars” Character Are You? Princess Leia
"You’re one of the most elegant, kick ass, heartwarming princesses of the galaxy. You’re faithful, strategic, and will stop at nothing to keep the one’s you love safe."
Okay. I'm going to be okay.
What Animated Dog Are You? Scooby Doo
What Actress Would Play You In The Movie Version Of Your Life? Mindy Kaling
Hold me, Mindy.
What Kind Of Person Are You Actually? Chaotic Good
"Notable peers: Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead, Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec, Captain Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly, Hagrid from Harry Potter, and Jimmy McNulty from The Wire."
HAGRID????? HOLD ME, MINDY!
Who Should You Marry? a pizza
"You should marry a pizza. Look, you probably already spend a fair amount of time with pizza anyway. Let’s cut some corners. Make it official. Your perfect match is a pizza, like the old friend you never really saw in a romantic way before. Pizza can love you in a way you’ve never been loved before. Find your pizza and love it."
Fine. Fine! If Mindy doesn't care about me, a pizza will.
How Tall Should You Actually Be? You’re really 6 feet, 3 inches (190 cm)
What does this even mean?
Which Sunglasses Should You Actually Wear This Summer? wayfarer
"You’re the least pretentious person on the planet. You exude a confidence without being cocky."
See, pizza? I'm not like other girls, I'm a LOW KEY girl, plus very tall.
Which Horrible ’90s Rock Band Are You? Smash Mouth
"You’re a positive, upbeat person who likes to have a good time. You’re a big believer in the idea that if you work hard, you’ll accomplish big things."
I wish this one was not the most true out of all the quizzes I took.
Which Classic Hollywood Actress Are You? Audrey Hepburn
Buzzfeed! My god. I... I can't...
Which Hollywood Emma Are You? Emma Thompson
Oh Buzzfeed. I knew you still cared about me. I feel like I've had this empty space inside me, and now it's filled up. You know my faults and weaknesses, yet you love me for who I am. I just can't believe I'm this lucky. I don't deserve you. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. I am yours forever.